Admittedly, I am socially awkward, but I am not in the slightest bit ashamed because, in a way, aren’t we all? (Just say yes to make me feel better). Thank God we all have our iPhones to save the day when we need to avoid said situations. However, there are times when no amount of Instagram stalking or email reading can save you from the self-induced awkwardness you’re experiencing.
However, Alexis Kleinman at Huffington Post dreamed up 7 apps (that sadly don’t exist) that would save us from ourselves in these painfully uncomfortable situations.
1. The “Of COURSE I Remember You” App
With this app, you’d never run into the problem of not remembering the name of the person who just excitedly waved at you on campus. The app would allow you to hold up your iPhone, which would match this person’s face to their Facebook profile, instantly giving you their name and maybe some weird photos of them at a costume party.
2. The “To Listen Or Not To Listen” App
Most of us hate voicemails. Sure, they’re super informative (are they?) but honestly most of the time we’d prefer for someone to just text us and tell us what they wanted. No annoying voicemail notification with a text. This app would rate your voicemails on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “don’t even bother listening” and 10 being “listen or you may die.” It needs to happen.
3. The “Delayed Text” Button
We’ve all been there, texting someone we are interested in and not wanting to look like an eager beaver with immediate replies. Yet, I know for myself, if I don’t type a response within 5 minutes of seeing a text, I’ll probably never reply because at that point I’ve already forgotten that I’ve received a text. Yay for shortened memory/attention spans! This “delayed text” button would tell your iPhone to wait 30 minutes before sending the text you’ve composed, making you look calm and collected all the time (even if that’s certainly not the case).
4. The “Eavesdropper” App
If I am wondering around campus alone, there’s a good chance I am rockin’ some earbuds listening to Songza to entertain myself. However, with my earbuds in place, there’s also a good chance that I could miss out on some hilariousness going on around me. Enter the “Eavesdropper” app. This app would immediately shut off your music when a funny conversation is going on around you (or even if something important is being said). The app would listen for key words in people’s conversations such as “break up” or “cupcakes” and bam, it would shut off your music. Genius!
5. The “Locked or Occupied?” App
This app would solve one of life’s longest mysteries – is the bathroom locked because someone is in it or because I need a key from the cash register to use it? Simply hold up your iPhone to the bathroom door and the answer will be given to you.
6. The “Automatic Slang Definer” App
Ok, I may be 21, but I am know little to nothing of what is going on in pop culture. Basically, if you throw a new slang term at me, I will assume you are speaking jibberish and ignore you. This “Automatic Slang Definer” app would solve all of my problems. It would alert me when someone says something hip and cool (with a little “ding”) and it would give me a definition. Think of it as an automatic Urban Dictionary.
And last, but certainly not least, my favorite of these made-up apps. Drumroll, please…
7. The “Trader Joe’s Pros” App
I am a Trader Joe’s fanatic. You can find me there more than once a week buying everything in sight from greeting cards to dark chocolate covered almonds. But, as it turns out, I am not the only Trader Joe’s addict, and every time I go there the store is PACKED. With this “Trader Joe’s Pros” app, your iPhone would connect you to a video camera located outside your Trader Joe’s store to show you whether or not the place is a zoo. The app would save you tons of time and lots of headaches. Also, if it were up to me, this app would give you inside scoop on the best Trader Joe’s products (because there are so, so many).
Now, if only I knew how to create an app…