Here Goes Nothing (& Everything)…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
That’s kind of how I want to start this post. Except multiply those HA’s by like, a trillion.
That’s how I feel. What a joke. What a freaking joke. Typical Katherine. She’s seriously so transient, it’s weird. Like, just make up your mind already. We get it, you’re 26 and single and don’t own anything of value…doesn’t mean you need to move all the time. And, Lord, just think about her resumé. I mean, good luck, girlfriend.
^ Anxiety is fun. Let me tell you.
All that to say, I tried. I really tried. I moved to Washington, DC (mid-Trump, I might add) for an incredible job opportunity with an incredible company that I love SO much. Truly.
I left behind the people I love most to pursue this professional dream of mine at a company I admire and trust and respect.
And guess what? I quit. Again.
I quit my job at NBC News.
“But Katherine, haven’t you already quit from that company [you crazy psycho]?”
The answer is yes.
Yes, I put in my notice at a company that I value and admire and respect and love, once more.
Sue me. (Trump might.)
Why? Why would I give up? Why would I give up on something I worked hard for and received? Why would I ruin my resumé, lose a ton of money breaking my lease and moving, and give up?
I’ll tell you why.
Because I didn’t give up.
In fact, I gave it my all.
For six months, I fought my mind day in and day out. If you’ve read this blog, or know me personally (lucky you!!!), you know that’s a battle for me. I fought my mind hard and dirty, and I won. I didn’t give up. I WON.
You see, I may be leaving a job and a city, but I’m leaving. And that, my friends, is priceless.
Because, when I was on my kitchen floor, sobbing trying to call my parents who were vacationing overseas, feeling hopeless and unworthy, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to leave this way. In fact, I texted the suicide helpline (twice) while living here. I wasn’t sure I’d leave on my own two feet at all. And that’s the God’s honest truth.
Of course, I know I wouldn’t have done anything. I’m not capable. But, the sorrow I felt in that moment? It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I was so deep in depths of darkness, it was hard to even believe there was light on the other side.
I know what you’re thinking (or what my anxiety tells me you’re thinking) : “Katherine, you’re insane. Why would you be so sad when you have a ton of people you know in DC plus a good job and a cute apartment and people who are rooting for you?”
My answer? I really don’t know.
I’m not a scientist or a doctor or any sort of mind reader kind of professional. But, what I know more than anyone around, is myself. And while I may look weak to those who don’t my story, if I really think about it, I’m pretty damn strong. And, truth be told, a couple glasses of wine are helping me admit this. But, nevertheless, I’m strong. I tried. I tried really hard. EXTREMELY. I fought tears and pain and agony and suicidal thoughts. I got myself to a damn doctor and reconfigured my anxiety and depression medication. I’m currently almost a month purge free (huge for me TBH). I fought and fought, and then realized the answer wasn’t in DC. It was in Charlotte.
I’m moving back to Charlotte. I have a new job. It’s sad I feel the need to justify that, but I do.
I didn’t fail. My anxiety wants me to believe I failed, and trust me, a lot of days I listen and agree. But, my rational mind knows I didn’t fail at all. I fought long and hard…and then I listened to my heart.
Yes, I am a woman who loves math and works in finance and really likes Excel and loves a dynamic, linked workbook and making a budget, but damn, I love my family and friends even more. And you don’t even know how much I love Excel! I love it A LOT.
So, imagine my heart. Imagine my heart away from the people who fill it fully. Imagine the desperation I felt. It pains me to think of it. For some, a 7-hour drive is nothing. For some, this distance is a piece of cake, and doesn’t make a difference.
That’s awesome for them. I admire that. But, (what I’m trying to remember is ok) I’m not that person. And it doesn’t make me weak. And I don’t need to be jealous of those who aren’t this way. And I don’t need to think I’m immature or codependent or a loser. Everyone is unique, and that’s what makes the world so wonderful. I’ve learned, through these months, that nothing will satisfy my heart and soul like the love of family and friends.
Yes, I am a dedicated employee and hard worker, don’t get me wrong. But, I can’t be the person (or employee!) I want to be, that GOD wants me to be, unless I am closer to those I love. Plain and simple.
So, yes, I’m headed back to Charlotte. And, no, I didn’t fail. I tried really freaking hard, actually, and, in the end, God pointed me to where I needed to be.
I’m not asking for pity. I’m not asking for approval (although, deep down, I *may* want) it. My goal here is to be open and honest. My goal here is to make anyone who might be feeling this way feel less alone. Life isn’t easy. At times, we look at social media and think that everyone has it together except us. I know we do. At least, I do. I feel like the only one who struggles and suffers. But, guess what, I’m certain I’m not alone. So, I want to say, you’re not alone. I’m not alone. We are not alone. Life isn’t easy. Life doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes you make choices that don’t work out. Sometimes you lose half your savings in the process. But, sometimes, you don’t lose your life. And, when you don’t, you make the most of it.
XOXO
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2 thoughts on “Here Goes Nothing (& Everything)…

  1. I am so proud of you on so many levels Katherine. For your courage. For your honesty with yourself. For your honesty with everyone else. For your strength to rise above what the world values and realize what is truly important. And most of all, in the midst of your struggles and pain, God has grown your faith. Thank you for sharing your story in order that others might not feel alone. Be assured that I will be praying for you as you return to your beautiful home town. We all welcome you with open and encouraging arms.

  2. You are so precious and honest. Thank you for opening up and sharing what goes on inside such a beautiful facade. Thank you for your courage to be vulnerable because when you are willing to share thoughts this personal, others know they are not alone. Thank you for being here. Much, much love to you. Grace is a wonderful gift.

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